I have always been a very independent and strong willed person. Sometime too independent. Of course that would tend to cause friction in my marriage, (ya know the whole 2 become one thing?). So in an effort to make this better and be the “perfect” wife, I tried to swing the pendulum over. It would seem that I swung it too far over. I clung to my husband and made him my whole world. Cause how can we be one if I was my whole person, right? (Yikes.)
Well, I began holding back from doing things that I really enjoyed. I didn’t pursue open opportunities in my career field, because after all, it’s was my job to maintain my family & my home. I didn’t make many friends in the new town we had moved to because, I had my husband. He was the only friend I needed, right? Hahaha. Wrong!
I had wrapped myself up so much in him, I become a dependent and not a wife. Here I was, desperate to be a good wife and mother but I was failing miserably. I was like another child to him, someone else to take care of.
In my attempt to be a great wife, I made myself miserable and I gave him the blame. My emotions were tied to his behaviors and decisions. If I wasn’t happy, it was his fault. If the bills weren’t paid, it was his fault. If my life was missing anything, it was his fault, because I had placed him in control of it. If he was away from the home, I was sad and worried and lonely. Instead of having a cheerful, loving wife to come home to, he had a drained, emotional, clingy wife to take care of when he got home. I just kept thinking there has to be a better way to live.
Well , yeah there is. Oh what a difference a change in perspective can make. I can say now with confidence that my happiness does not depend on what my husband does or does not do. My security doesn’t hang in the balance of his decisions and his presence. I love him and want him around, but I don’t NEED him with me for me to be happy.
What changed? I realized being a good wife does not mean that my only purpose in life is to be a wife. I have many purposes. I have gifts, skills, talents and abilities that are unique to me. I am the only ME that God ever made, and I have a calling to fulfill.
I went back to work in the career that I love (harder than it sounds). I started a small business. I got out and made friends, and actually had coffee dates with them. I went to the spa, I scheduled time for myself. I expressed my dreams, desires and needs to husband. I spent time with God, allowing him to speak into my life, to reveal the woman he had created me to be. And when His love was so full in me, I couldn’t help but to pour it out on others. I became someone other women could turn to. I found purpose in life.
If something is missing in my life, I talk to God about it. It’s not my husband’s job to meet all my emotional voids. I was giving him a task that he could never accomplish. Being a great wife means I know my sufficiency is in God. Where there once was an emotionally beat down woman, there is now a strong, friendly, fun-loving, purpose-filled woman. I love my life, I love my friends, I love my husband, and I’m sure I’ve made it a little easier for him to love me. I became a joy to be around, not an anchor. I run alongside him, not behind him trying to fit into his purpose.
Let me know some of the mistakes you’ve made going into your relationship.
Some days, I feel it very difficult to fulfill all the roles without missing some. It is very hard to have a balance to be a good wife, a good mother, and also continue with our passion. But the only thing, if I am not happy with myself, it’s hard to be there for others. That’s why no matter how hard it is, I always try to do something that I truly like and passionate about.
It’s amazing how hard it is to stay independent when you become a wife and mother. The struggle is real! I’ve been trying to take more time for myself and that makes me a better partner.
Oh girl, I totally feel you! I try to be a good, Godly wife. Some days I fail miserably, particularly in this season with trying to sell our home and a traveling husband. Thanks for sharing these words of encouragement.
I love what you said about becoming a joy rather than an anchor. Resting in God and relying on him rather than our spouse brings such peace.
I am working at being more patient and communicating better. It is so easy to get frustrated when your significant other isn’t reading your mind! When I do that, I am setting him up for failure. Great read!